i really want to laugh. but somehow i know that if i do, it'll come out in a croak. yes! i have lost my voice completely. i feel like crap.

have to get better by latest monday cos i've got another OP rehearsal to prep for. not to mention Mamma Mia! on sunday. what a laugh. i am sensing a pattern here. everytime i have something good to look forward to, like a concert, i get sick and am unable to go. remember YY's NJ CO concert?

everyone's acting like a prat nowadays. and they look at me as if i'm not entitled to doing the same thing as they are. perhaps they don't realise that they themselves are acting like that. please la, just get a life.

i really hate people telling me i'm dumb. i don't need you to tell me i'm super freaking brillant but it hurts to hear you say that i'm dumb. and don't try giving excuses later that you were just using me as an example to explamify the wonders of hard work. yes, i know i work hard because i'm not as smart as my sis, but don't go overboard by comstantly repeating the fact that i'm dumb. i'm not. i'm just not as naturally smart as others. i can't go through life coasting on my brain because i know that i'm not those that are naturally smart.

i want to say so much more but i can't. because i know it's wrong to hate so deeply. whatever. i'm not sure we'll get over it but we'll see.

(just family stuff)

i'm getting sick. well done christine, well done.

i wouldn't really mind if my OP wasn't an issue.

when i get sick, i lose my voice. that's right.

that's a laugh. imagine presenting with a low barely be able to be heard voice? or worse, NO voice?

on a lighter note, i passed grade 7. not fantastic but since it was cos i didn't do well on the supporting tests, i guess i have the confidence to go to grade 8. does that mean a new piano for me? mum's not really willing to spend 3k on a clarinova but perhaps a suzuki... which is also an electronic piano but isn't yamaha brand like the clarinova. can't believe you pay almost double for a brand. actually, i can. but my house's only got space for one piano so i might have to get rid of my 13 year old yamaha normal piano. worried that i might regret throwing or giving it away. electronic piano and normal one might have slight differences that might affect my playing, especially in the exams. but then again, my old piano was actually meant for lower grade... so it may be high time to have a new one.

i just don't know.

oh man... these last few days have been killer. i've been nursing a stupid headache that doesn't seem to go away and sleep only seems to make the pain even more killer. it's not as if i've been keeping late nights. i just feel so tired but no amount of rest seems to make it better. stress? not again, no way...

i really thank the lord to giving me such great friends. even after all this time, i'm still surprised that i have people i won't hesitate to confide in and friends who know what i'm feeling even when i don't say a word.

i won't name everyone because you know who you are.

life... i don't want to complain. i don't want to take on things that i'm interested in but can't cope with. but the thing is, i really think i can cope. there's nothing wrong with me going for activities that i possess a keen interest in and i know i can cope. but sometimes i guess i need to just let people know that hey i'm stressed, perhaps my ability to cope at the present moment isn't there.

i can cope. i know my own strengths and limitations more than anyone else.
i'm not blind to my faults.

so pardon me if i sometimes start to complain. i'll try not to do it too often okay? i know it'll irritate people but well, you CAN'T not complain at all.

goodness me. i haven't blogged for a really long time. and that's because i've been doing PW and camp stuff and guides stuff and by the time i get home, i just don't have the mood to go online to blog about my sad sad life.

results... okay la. i think i did okay. not too good, not too bad. overall... also can la.

but i was so tramatised by my history promo marks that i exploded into a flood of tears. now that was embarrassing. but my overall grade was okay because my mid term saved me.

Maksim is out with a new album! whee!

school soon. will have to leave soon. great.

i have a huge marshmellow craving. i need marshmellows really badly. don't ask me why i didn't buy it the whole of last week but something always crops up and i come home too late and am too tired to go to the supermarket to buy them.

i wanna go shopping too! all those sparkly stuff shining in the store windows and all those pretty pretty things. and shoes... just after looking at the stuff YY wanted in her blog, i think i need to shop more than ever. stupid oral presentation, made me not free to do my stuff... Sonya called it PWOP. she said it was a fun word to say.

argh! i'm late!

know something? something that most people actually know that i don't really have to spell it out?

PW really sucks. to the power of infinity. and that's what i spent most of today doing.

okay. let's take a trip to thurs.

hmm... woke up late. sis woke up even later than her usual late time. late late late. chased after 55. complained about going to school for nothing but PW. realised that i forgot it was the last of 3 presidential debates between Bush and Kerry. so i didn't tape it and i didn't watch it. okay... grumble grumble away to school. then after assembly, met Mrs Koh and even though i'm scared of getting my math mark back, i was smiling all the way to PW. think she's so nice! did PW but it was all rush rush work. some part wasn't even really done. ponned games day and went home to sleep after eating lunch with Natalie. stupid day. waste of me waking up.

friday! went to school. farewell assembly. made me feel quite sad. cos i was thinking we only have a year or so left in vj. Mrs Chan is really cool. her speech was really funny and can relate well rather than falling asleep kind. the powerpoint was pretty good. performances quite nice. had a watermelon eating competition and she competed along with Ho Wei Kang and Samual Lim. Slim was damn funny, crossing his legs and eating so refinely. will miss him when he leaves. Mrs Chan was super sporting, she was shoveling the watermelon into her mouth and she won.

gave senior class the glass squares, hearts and stars. went to CT class to have that special CT session. gave Daniel the ferrari, toy ferrari, not the real thing because i don't have money and if anyone deserves a car, it's me. it was chao hard to wrap and i was really tempted to keep it for myself. Edwin and Jialing were super funny... they were playing with the ice cream and giving retarded looks. no offence! took photo with her and Dan too and he was like so freaking tall. (compared to me) and i was like: why are you so tall? and he said: i'm slouching already. like dotz, made me feel even more of a shortie. my class was playing bridge and taidee. gamblers that they are.

spent the rest of the day with my PW written report. came home and was really tired. ate maggi (there was no more curry flavour!) and then fell asleep with Josh Groben in the background. sister came home and vented all her furstrations on me. poor girl... i love her. and we were like doing the bonding thing and dad kept on standing in the doorway saying stupid stuff like he normally does.

tmr's PGA ceremony at the istana and rush rush back to vj for open house. quite exciting la.

i realized i'm really tired these days. better take care or else i'll fall sick.

i need to go out with YY and Nette and Sonya soon.

next week's a horrible week with the promo results, results of my NYC interview (which i am half hoping i won't get... bad!) and results of my grade 7 which will determine if i drop piano or get a new one. whee

too often i stare at my reflection in the mirror and wonder.

no, i'm not trying to seek out the contours of my face and memorise it and think that i'm beautiful beyond belief, nor am i trying to valiently find the flaws and deflate into self depression and pity.

i'm not that naive.

the reflection in the mirror is merely a reflection of myself.

what has changed? and what hasn't? what has matured and what has degraded itself into childish insanity?

the solemnness on a face without a smile reflects that maturity.
the sudden fake wide smile reflects that childish insanity.

can anyone truly say that they've matured?

the reflection in the mirror... what it reflects is appearance. not what's inside. because all that's inside can be covered up by that fake smile. deception is a common theme, over friendliness is another.

and i wonder: what do i seem to be to you?

someone to cry your troubles to? someone who could help by listening? someone who's friendly and nice?
or
someone who's immature? someone who's loud and maybe a little callous?
or
someone who's unapproachable? someone whom you can't fathom what she's thinking?

well, we'll all walking the same road, trying to reach it's eventual end and our goals, i would say that i'm all the above and that i'm someone who's LEARNING.

to different people, i show different sides. yes, i can and am unapproachable. i can and will not tell you everything. to different people, i chose to tell them whatever i feel like, or whatever emotion is foremost in my mind. because that's my choice.

i sometimes give people condescending looks and sneer, not because i think i'm better than that person. but i do so because i see how sad it is, perhaps pity even is the main reason. and it saddens me to know that sometimes even i am blind to my own faults and weaknesses. unfortunately, that's life.

but yet i keep in mind, don't judge others before you judge yourself.

have you ever wondered how much you being in a person's life would be worth if they wrote their memoirs? or even if they didn't, how much significance would you be to them in their journey of life?

would you be satisified with a mere line? or would you want at least a paragraph? would you want to fill a whole book?

okay, just something i was thinking about.

life is what you make it to be.

whee. i need to read more fanfics that'll corrupt me further. okay, just kidding. about the corrupting but not about the reading more.

had a talk with Gladys... i miss her. yup.

and somehow... i always know... we'll be friends forever. as will all the friendships i've formed in my life.

i don't know why... but i think i've lost the interest in writing. in doing alot of things. somehow i just feel very worn out and drained. sleep makes me even more tired than i started out with. i spent today trying to clean up my room and it looks even worse than before i did anything to it.

somehow i don't seem to care much about my promo results anymore. seriously, just get promoted, that's the important thing. why worry about what grade it is? i know i'll be absolutely horrified when i'm in my right mind and i reread this again. but for now, i just don't care. maybe because i don't have high hopes for the results.

thinking about PW again and it really really tires me out. i don't fancy meeting up again to sort through the mistakes in the third draft and working out the oral presentation. feel like dropping off the face of the earth.

i just want to go out or just hang with close friends and listen to their conversations but not contribute much. i just want company right now.

JT: i'm sorry i haven't been spenting time with you. i know it's almost been half a year or more since we last met. but you've been busy, so have i. really sorry about that. yup, i miss your smile, i miss listening to you play the piano (make me jealous on purpose!) and i miss hearing you read out funny bits in the comic books in chinese. miss the wine you use to make me happy happy! bet you sure got gf already right? haha.

math was...

i'm not sure what it was. at first i thought it was okay. but then after the paper was over... somehow it kinda... didn't seem very okay. heehee.

i realised that my blog entries these days are hyper/happy/not depressing. oh no!

anyway, feel quite hyper/happy now because my heavy subjects are over and i don't have to study for a while.

hugs to my computer and tv.

it seems strange, but my day/ mood depends on the moods of others. not totally of course. but when you're happy, i'm happy. when you're sad, i'm sad. and today i can't help feeling happy for you. yes, i'm talking about you, Sam! of course i'm also happy for other people but after you shared your news with me, i couldn't stop smiling.

so people should make me happy.

at times, i just can't imagine how something can make you so happy and so sad at the same time. but that's reality.

stars in my eyes. pizza for dinner! Singapore Idol! lotsa lotsa tv shows to watch that i taped. bliss.

recap of torture:

mon: yay. econs. brain. dead. screwed. up. essays. head. too. pain. to. think
sis brought back guide cookies. mmmmmm... cookies. yummy yummy in my tummy

tue: yay. measure for measure/PC. dad came to fetch me home. brain not that dead.

wed: history was horrible because i think i misinterpreted the question. furthermore, while i know the emphasis is on quality not quantity, i definitely didn't write enough to keep my C midterm grade (which i got purely by chance) and the best part of today was that i was giddy and everything was spinning. had to take like panadol and yang ming jiu. mmmmm... warms the heart. didn't really work for the head though.

tmr: math. brain going to die even more. but yay, no piano!

one more day to dancing on the ceiling. i can't wait. you people should see me do the happy dance.
my sister and i were making faces in the hallway mirror. she can do weird things with her eyes. so funny. kept on laughing until i cannot stop. then she just made a weird look which made things worse.

she keeps saying she's cuter than me. what rubbish. but then again, she's got 2 very cute dimples. which i don't have. and why must she be so bhb? that's what i always do, she copy me!

flashpoints of conversation with Gladys before lit paper tue in emails
me: (online doing nothing) see email pop up from Gladys
gladys: you nut!! seishirou and yuuto are not cute.
me: i am not a nut. i am a raisin. (signs off with chrissy-poo)
gladys: YUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKS.
me: (gets off internet)
me: (minute later) (sends back sms) yuuto is cute! he's blond for crying out loud. taste has to be cultivated i guess. stick with me and you'll soon see how sexy seishirou is in a suit.
gladys: (doesn't reply but i know she's thinking what the hell did she do to deserve this)

*fingers start going out of control... must go and study says fingers. i'm not even typing this. *
htihr8huitcuivlknh

giddiness and loss of blood from the exhilerating study of econs.
i feel so happy that i have the privilage to study econs.

the words are getting jumbled and everything's so pretty and swirly all of a sudden.
i think i'm going to black out soon.

are you supposed to see stars in front of your face when you're facing a computer screen page that has no stars on it normally?

eek! after today i'll be happy, after tmr, i'll be slightly happier. after wed, i'll kiss the floor. after thurs, i'll weep for joy.

cant. see. anything. must. go. get. some. breakfast/lunch. before. i. pass. out.

good day.

again, i ask myself the same question : what am i doing online?

and this time it's worse. in about hmm... 4 hours or so i'll be off to vj to take my econs promo paper. you would think i'd be studying. but i'm not, at least for a while. i'm taking my break even before i start. that's nothing new in my studying lifestyle. but perhaps this symbolizes an over dependence on the computer and the lack of will power.

but i've lowered my standards for this promos. 4 Ds. all i ask is that. i might even have to ask for less. somehow it doesn't seem to bother me. all i want is my holidays! i'd study next year.

that reminds me. better ask Hwee how many more days to christmas. she'd know.

what the hell am i doing online?
what the hell am i doing not studying?

grr... i tell you, i can have millions of breaks and dozens of excuses not to study.
i know that i'd regret it in the long run (argh econs) but i'm still not putting in the effort.
i know that i can't count (argh maths) on myself to study.
i know that i should have spent yesterday and the days before that mugging my ass off but those days are history (argh history)
i know that i should have read more and tried to analyse (argh lit) my work but i didn't.

at first i really didn't mean putting in those crappy statements but i'm cracking up.

i will be free in 4 days. well, who cares about the last lit paper? i mean, it's important but i'm not going to spend 4 days studying for it, which is what i have. so while my paper ends on the 12... i'm going to really start relaxing much earlier. (bad!)

away!

for once. just for once, i'd like to see a seriously happy and bimbotic entry here. yes, there are those that fall into that catergory. but it was last year, it was the year before last. though i really enjoy reading them again... i find that it seemed so superficial.

well. i feel like being superficial these days. of course i still mean what i say and look beyond outward things but oh... how do i explain it? just feel like living my life as if every single decision that i make doesn't have to be filled with "the implications of doing this... blah blah blah"

i feel like going yay! i love everyone! (which i do) and feel like dancing on the ceiling. and feel like heck caring my promos which i'm sure will become a reality as i'm suppposed to be doing my econs but since i'm online, i'm obviously not. ooh..

i'm not exactly sure what brought this hyperness on and i aint sure i like it but what can you do? when it calls, you just have to follow what it says! (i'm sure i'm also not making much sense here but what to do. )

i'll always love you, you know that? no matter what you do, no matter how much you irritate me unknowingly, i'll always love you. and i'll always be there for you even when you push me away.

that's a promise i make to each and every one of my friends. because i'm so thankful that i have people who can put up with my weirdness. love you guys.